Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
