I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
