just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Randomize
