So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
