The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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