oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
