I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
