I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
