fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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