Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
