I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
