I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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