I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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