My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
