Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Randomize
