After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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