I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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