There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
