she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
