You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
