I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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