so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
well you can't waste a boner
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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