Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
someone owes me an orgasm
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
