I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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