There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
