the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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