she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
