the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
