I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
