In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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