Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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