I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
