I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
