just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
