i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
