I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
