nut hugger
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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