I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
