Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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