I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
