I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
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