Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
