Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
