Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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