First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
