Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
