i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
