I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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