I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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