my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
