i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
