I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
